hellokitsune: (Sherlock: Tea)

Apologies for not showing any signs of life for the past week, I’ve had to deal with the almost never-ending delights of filling in renewal forms for my disability benefits. The irony being that I’ve spent a lot of the time since they landed on the doormat being too ill to do them but if I don’t, it’s an automatic denial. Luckily, I still had the forms from last year saved on my computer so had those for reference but still, they are such a massive drain on both my mental and physical well-being that I just haven’t had the energy to write anything else. I’m hoping that the forms will just go in, be checked against my case history and the status quo ante will be maintained but it’s far more likely I’ll get hauled in for yet another pointless and stressful medical, as I do every sodding year. There’s also a chance they could just tell me to sod off, either on receipt of my paperwork or after the inevitable poking and prodding from some jumped up desk jockey with a god complex. Which will mean a period of no money and an appeal or even tribunal to look forward to (again). So yeah, no pressure.

However, being at the mercy of The Powers That Be, I’ll need to distract myself from everything or I’ll just curl up into a ball and sob whenever I see a brown envelope arrive. I’ll probably do that anyway but I’m hoping that I’ll be able to catch up on comments, take pictures of stuff and deal with the queue of half-finished blog entries I’ve got on my dashboard. This will likely happen at stupid o’clock as I’ll be too worked up to sleep but at least it’ll get done. Panic driven productivity for the win.

Anywho, sorry if anyone’s felt ignored or unloved, I promise you I neglect everything equally and it’s nothing personal.

Mirrored from Hello Kitsune.

hellokitsune: (Sherlock: Tea)

It’s taken me eighteen days to start to crawl back out of the post-Boy visiting funk, which is a new (crappy) record but I’m slowly starting to get there. It’s not something I talk about much, as I don’t want to make him feel guilty or give the impression that he’s some kind of life ruiner but as has become abundantly clear to most people by now, I hate things changing. Changing for good, I can deal with (which is why I only have a few days of “Argh, why is that suitcase there? Why can’t I find any of my things? ARGH!” before I calm down) but a change for the bad, which going from having the person you love in constant hugging distance to being three hundred miles away most certainly is, yeah… they really throw me.  Also not helping was that this visit came in a period that was turbulent anyway and accompanied by a massive lurg flare-up, plus it being dark and miserable outside even during daylight hours just gave me that gentle nudge into blanket dwelling despair. It is starting to wear off though and some of the other bad changes have turned into opportunities for good things that might not have happened, at least not as quickly as they seem to be, otherwise. You’ll have to accept my apologies for being slightly cryptic there, I just feel like if I put into words that X is going to happen and will lead to Y and Z, that something will go wrong – once I have something concrete, I’ll let the world know. Actually, it’s more likely that I won’t be able to shut up about it.

A sure sign that I’m feeling a little better mentally is that I’ve started doing stuff again, nothing particularly exciting but it’s an improvement on staring at the walls. Internet related stuff has involved tarting the blog up a bit, currently a very bare bones layout as I haven’t decided on a colour scheme but for once, I’ve had the foresight to make everything transparent so that when I do start experimenting with colours / textures / whatever, it won’t be too much hassle to fix something I don’t like. Though, I could just leave it as is and pretend I’m going for a minimal look… ooh, the damage I could do with pastels and a hipster font!

Minor jobs have been prettying up my Twitter profile, it’s no coincidence that went all spacey after I started working on something for the main domain too but that’s something I’m not going to rush. Typically, I’ve got more ideas floating around for little side projects but it would be nice just to have something to tie it all together after oh, nearly nine years of bits and pieces here, there and everywhere.  At least the blog and the personal stuff are nicely consolidated now, even if it doesn’t matter to anybody but me.  It’s a little worrying what I could’ve actually done had I not always questioned the validity of anything I put out there and torn it down before anyone got the chance to see it but that’s something I’m trying to work on; to do things because they have value and meaning without searching for validation from others. Obviously, there’s more chance of me saying “Hello” to a stranger than this happening but a girl can dream.

Non internetty things have involved me trying to pick up knitting again; I’ve subscribed to that knitting partwork that keeps being advertised over here in the UK so we’ll see if that helps any. At the very least, it’s nice wool and a bag to put it all in but I would like to be able to feel confident enough in my ability that I can finally make myself that Amyrlin Stole-Scarf; by then, global warming will have probably reached a level rendering scarves unnecessary but I can wear the silk one then, yay! Speaking of Wheel of Time related things, I still haven’t been able to bring myself to read the final book. I’ve flicked through enough to know what happens (pretty much a dagger through my heart on every page) but knowing that once I do read it, that’s the end of twenty years; it would’ve been more but the first book I read was actually the fifth in the series, The Fires of Heaven back in 1993 when I was the grand old age of eight. Twenty years of knowing that in a year or so, there’d be another instalment, more questions answered (even if it usually was with yet more questions) and now nothing, no more reading and finding out. The relationship I’ve had with this series of books is longer than I’ve had with anyone that isn’t a blood relative and well, that’s a heavy thing, you know? It’s so strange though, usually I’ll have finished a new Wheel of Time book on the same day it’s released but this one has been sat quietly by my bedside. I’ll read it eventually but I just don’t feel like now’s the right time to do so. Stupid bloody feelings.

I also injured my back cataloguing my nail polish collection but I’ll talk about that when I show off the pictures of my organisational magnum opus. In case The Boy is reading, the injury is not a sign that I have too much nail polish, rather it indicates that the storage I currently have for it is unfit for purpose.

Bah, there’s other things too but it’s getting on for stupid o’clock and I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow – I’m hoping the torrential rain that’s been predicted holds off a little for that, if only as recompense for taking all the snow away. I miss how quiet the world is with a thick covering of snow and how everything just looks so much nicer, all the same shade of white with just little splashes of colour here and there. Ah well, all good things must come to an end…

 

Mirrored from Hello Kitsune.

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July 2013

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